Out with the Old, In with the New

My name is Kourtnie, I am 19 years old. I am documenting my new journey on my own. I am currently going through a divorce, after almost a four year relationship.  I honestly am gonna say it is the most pain I have ever gone through, and I wouldn't wish this sort of thing on any one. I honestly could say at one point, I thought we were gonna be together forever, and that he was the one for me. 

As much as this is going to humiliate me, and maybe risking the future of my dating life. I just want to try this. I don't know what will ever come of it, but maybe it will help me heal. Or maybe it will help some one else to know that they aren't the only ones who have ever gone through something like this. Because I feel alone. Completely alone. I don't know, but I might as well try.

Our relationship has never been perfect. We were on again-off again all through out high school, and then the year afterward we were pretty steady. He proposed in May 2010 on Huntington Beach, CA. We got married a few months later on August 20, 2010. He was my first kiss in 10th grade, and once we got married I thought he would be my last.

***For the sake of this being my online public journal, I would like to explain one thing. I am not innocent in our relationship. I am not a victim, and I had just as much part of the relationship not working as he did. It was honestly just not meant to be. We were not compatible.***

A couple months after we got married, we moved back to our home town, where both of our family and friends were at.  Things just had problems, we were just not happy for a long time, and I think we both may have lost love for each other over time. I just knew how much I loved him, and how much I really just wanted it to work. But as much as I tried to make it work, you can never make something work that was just never meant to be.

Things that I feel I did wrong in the relationship. 
1. I pressured him to be some one he didn't want to be.
2. I couldn't accept him as he was. (An important part of marriage I have come to learn)
3. I had a hard time compromising with certain things... couldn't just let things go.
4. When we would argue I would have such a hard time admitting I am wrong.
5. I would pout until I got a "real" apology, and even then I would hold a grudge.
6. I would listen to other people's opinion's, more then I would listen to my self.
7. I was too insecure. In our relationship, and with my self. 
8. I would focus too much on less important things.
     Example: I would care to much about what people thought. I would get mad if something little was out of place. I would get mad if he made a little comment I didn't like. Etc.
9. I focused to much on the love part of the relationship and not enough on the like part of the relationship.
10. I NEVER fully trusted him.

Things I feel I did right in the relationship.
1. I honestly loved him more then anything, any one person before in my life.
2. I tried to focus on how he was feeling, and what I could do for him.
3. Tried to make the little things count.
      Example: Leave notes in his wallet. Kiss him goodbye every time I left. Make him dinner. Buy him his favorite treat/drink/food at the store. Etc.
4.Told him I loved him every chance I got, even when it wasn't convenient.
5. I tried to be goofy and silly.
6. TRIED, to like the things he did. (wasn't my biggest strength) : ]
7. Made a commitment to "be intimate" at least a couple times a week. (I know it is TMI, but you all know it is important!!!)
8. I tried to go out of my comfort zone, I honestly did!
9. I would kiss him every time I left to work before him, even when he was still sleeping.
10. I honestly tried to be the best wife I could be to him. I really did.

One thing I have come to realize, as much as you want to blame your self for the entire thing, thinking you never did enough, or you could have done this differently, things will never be different. I know that I tried damn hard at my marriage, and it takes a lot of Patience and a lot of courage to give your self to another person fully.

It has been just over a week, since we decided we were getting a divorce. I am not going to say I am okay, because I am not. I am not going to say things are great, because they definitely are not. I am not going to say I regret marrying him, because I don't. And I am not going to say I don't love him, because I do.

He is such an amazing person, and he deserves the world. He is the one person who could make me so seriously pissed, then make me laugh hysterically 2 seconds later. He is the type of person who gets along with every one. I would look forward to spending time with him, even after just being apart for a couple hours. He honestly is my best friend.. I could have so much fun with him, just hanging out. He smiles, and it just melts my heart...

I love him, I honestly do. I probably always will have love for him. We have been through so much together I don't know how it would be possible for any person, ever, to be able to get rid those kind of feelings completely.

I don't really know exactly where my life is going to take me, but what I do know is that I am going to live my life to the fullest. I will travel across the world, I will see things I never thought I could, and I will be who I want to be.  I know things I want to do, I know things that I want to accomplish, and I know things that I want from my life. Sooner or later I will figure out who I am again, as a person, not as a couple. I think that is something I need more then anything.

So for right now, I am enjoying the company of my friends, and family. I am currently planning a trip to Cancun for my 20th birthday. And I plan on working and going to school for about the next year, then I will decide what I need to do further. But as for right now, I am ok. : ]

Until next time.

<3 Kourt