As if my life couldn't get more dramatic... right? Well first and for most I would like to say that this baby is going to be a HUGE blessing in my life. I am not enjoying being pregnant, and no I haven't been excited. You may think I am a horrible person, but that is the truth. I was sick for about 8 weeks. And it wasn't just morning sickness. I would be sick until about 3 or 4 in the after noon. Even then I felt like crap.
After I found out I was pregnant, my heart just broke. Not because I thought this baby was going to ruin my life, but because when you think about starting a family, you want to share it with some one, you want your baby to be apart of a family. It is hard to see your body change, and be so sick. And when your just got a divorce, feeling disgusting and watching your body get huge isn't an ideal situation.
For every one out there who is judgmental, and noisy. Yes, it is Brock's kid. How do I know? Hmm.. well #1 I got pregnant in February. We didn't break up until March. And #2 contrary to believe, I have never slept with any one other then him. So there you have it. It is his.
No one understand what I am going through. I hate when people say they do. You have not been pregnant with your ex husbands kid. You haven't been pregnant, when some one told you, you weren't worth fighting for. And you weren't pregnant when you thought your world was completely over. You were not pregnant when you had to hear, from him, he was with another girl. And you were not pregnant when you had loved some one with your whole heart and it wasn't good enough. So do not tell me you know what I am going through. Because you don't.
Some people have been saying things.. I am just sick of fake people. Don't pretend you are my friend. Your not, and we both know it. I understand then when a relationship ends so do some friendships. I was there through some pretty tough crap in your life, but say what you need to say. You can say it isn't his.. that is FINE. And you know what, I wish it wasn't. I wish I could say I slept with some random person, I wish it could be as easy as that. I wouldn't have to share, I wouldn't have to see him with some one else for the rest of my life. I wouldn't have to worry about my kid being gone every other weekend, and splitting holidays. But it isn't. It is with him. So I am going to have to. The first person I truely, deeply was in love with. And this is someone I will always have to share with him. As much as I wish I could disconnect my self from him completely. I can't. Ever.
No, I am not still in love with him. No, I do not still love him. And no, I do not hate him. Brock and I went through hell with each other. And this baby must be the reason why. No one ever understood why we would break up and get back together time and time again! Hell, I didn't even understand it. But apparently this baby is the reason why. Both him and I will be great parents. Even though we are not together. One of the main things that made me fall in love with him in the first place, was watching him with his neice. Ever since that day I have said he will be the best dad. And just because we aren't together, it doesn't change that.
My main worry isn't that I won't be able to do it on my own. I will be. I will do anything and everything to give my baby the world. I am going to work my butt off so I can provide, love, and give my baby everything he/she deserves. I have plenty of support from my family. I just got a job position that I will be able to work from home, and I am going to start night classes in January for school. My main worry is that father's are really important in kids lives. As much as I hate to admit it. They are. So... I am going to be a good mom, and work through issues. Regardless of how difficult it may be. No more fighting. :) I will try my best little pepper! Promise!
