Okay, so it has been a couple days since my last post. I decided I am going to be a little less depressing, and a little more optimistic. : )
So here is what is going on in my life.
-Still planning the trip to Cancun. Fingers crossed that everything comes through.
-Working, and I really get so burnt out.. I have three more days this week, then I get a day break!
-And here's the kicker.... I got asked out.
HA!! makes me giggle. Is it weird that I almost feel like it is cheating if I accept? : /
It isn't that I am not interested in the guy, or that it is that I don't want anything to do with him. I just feel like after being with one person for so long, it is kinda awkward to start over with some one new. I mean I am excited about new opportunities, and all, but I don't know why I feel so weird about it. I will go because it will be fun, and new, maybe a little awkward, but fun. I just really, REALLY, almost just want to focus on my self right now.
Does that make me sound super selfish? hahah I almost don't even know how to flirt any more. ugh. It makes me so-o nervous. Which is sad, because I mean, I am only 19, this is what I SHOULD be doing at 19. The guy is older, he is 24, so I mean that is probably what I will be looking for but just not right now, or any time, soon... I will keep you up dated.
Any ways, I think the hardest part about this whole thing is that I dream about him every night, okay maybe not dream about him, but he is always in my dream. Some way or another. A couple nights ago I had a dream that I was at the grocery store and he was the cashier... weird I know.. but I mean in my dream I didn't think anything of it. Then I woke up and was like.. of course! It sucks when I actually have dreams about him, then I wake up and he isn't there. I think that will be the hardest part about this whole thing. I can control my brain for the most part during the day and not think about him, but when I am sleeping there is nothing I can do.
Just kidding, that is a lie. I do catch my self thinking about him, something will just remind me of him, then my brain will wonder. I am getting better at it.
I look at our situation as a never situation.
We never would have worked out. I never would have left him. I never would have been okay with certain things. And he never would have changed. We never would have been fully happy, and we never would have fully agreed.
I just really think this is for the better! (being optimistic) He will be able to find exactly what he wants in life, and I will be able to do the same. I think if nothing else I have kinda learned what qualities in a person are really important to me. I just think I wanted it to work so bad, that I over looked the real major stuff that was happening in our relationship. We are both just really at different stages in our lifes. I just think I would have tried and tried and tried, and been more and more unhappy. So in the beginning, I was really struggling. Just because I felt like I wasn't enough, that I wasn't worth it, and that I wasn't doing enough. Now that I have a different perspective, and can look at it after it has some what settled, I just really wish the best for him. I will always care for him as a person, and want his life to turn out how he wants it to be.
This is me being optimistic, I have my highs and my lows, but I really have a good feeling I will be okay. I just think I love him so much that I focus a lot on how happy we both will be apart, and that kinda makes it easier? I don't know I am kinda brainstorming aloud. Looking at life, and that it will be great.
I hope I didn't make any one cry this time. ; )
<3 Kourt
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