This too, shall pass

So.... I really am starting to think that life freaking sucks and this is gonna be a never ending pain.
I don't just mean an emotional pain, I mean a physical, gut wrenching, head pounding pain.
I feel inadequate, I feel abandoned and I feel betrayed.

I really hate that I get critisized.
I really hate that I get looked down on.
I really hate that this is something that will follow me around forever.
and I really hate that I feel worthless.

Little does every one know from the out side looking in, that I gave it everything I freaking had. I fought hard. Yeah you can call me a controlling bitch, yeah you can say I am freaking selfish, you could even also say that I am an emotional wreck. And you would be right, but you don't know the half of it.

No one ever looks at what you could have possibly done right. They look at what they want to see. They look at the negative. I am sorry I wanted a husband. That is all I wanted. Though my definition might vary from what yours is, so I will explain it to you...

I want a husband who wants to spend every night with me. I want a husband who likes to tickle my back. I want a husband who kisses me goodnight because he wants to, not because he has to. I want a husband who will not buy me flowers on valentines day. I want a husband who wants to take care of me. I want a husband who understands what a marriage is. I want a husband who thinks of marriage as a beautiful commitment, and not just as a title. And I want a husband who wants to be a husband.

I feel like when you get married, you give up your life as you know it. Not because you have to, because you made the choice to give your self, along with all your imperfections, to another human being. Your spouse is your number one priority. You give up your life so the two of you can build a life together. And I don't feel like I even had that opportunity. Which really sucks, because I was very ready to be a wife.

Yeah I am a control freak, I wanted to have a marriage, I was done with the party stage of my life.
Yeah I am selfish, because I work my ass off, and I never felt it was enough.
And yeah I am an emotional wreck because I love some one so much, it makes me sick, that doesn't love me the same way.

Obviously, things were not where they were supposed to be. Him and I were not on the same page with a lot things. The only time when I felt anything ever got resolved is when we would have a huge blowout fight. I don't mean like a argument. Like a full on screaming, yelling, screw you type of fight. Again, obviously things were not where they were supposed to be.

Believe it or not, our relationship wasn't always horrible. Though it was never perfect, it wasn't always horrible. He really is a good guy, and he really can do such amazing things, we just do not, I repeat do not, belong together..... Which is really hard for me to admit.

I got asked the question the other day, "Why do you love him?"
And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I do, but I have trouble thinking of reasons why.
He is my best friend, he has been for years.  He knows me, and I know him. I love him because he just knows exactly what to say, how to say it, at the perfect time. I don't know I just love him."

And this point I got asked, "Are you in love with him?"
To this I didn't have an answer.
I honestly, truthfully did. I know I did. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't. But I don't know if now, or in the past months if I really have been in love with him. I don't know if I was holding on to what it was, or what I thought it could be. But I know it wasn't right the way it had been.

Right now I am having more bad days then good. But the good moments do slip in there. I am really good at putting on a front... I've been through a lot of crap in my life, and I always seem to get through it. So I just gotta remember........   This too, shall pass.

<3 Kourt

: ) apparently I need to be a little less depressing!!

Okay, so it has been a couple days since my last post. I decided I am going to be a little less depressing, and a little more optimistic. : )

So here is what is going on in my life.
-Still planning the trip to Cancun. Fingers crossed that everything comes through.
-Working, and I really get so burnt out.. I have three more days this week, then I get a day break!
-And here's the kicker.... I got asked out.

HA!! makes me giggle. Is it weird that I almost feel like it is cheating if I accept? : /
It isn't that I am not interested in the guy, or that it is that I don't want anything to do with him. I just feel like after being with one person for so long, it is kinda awkward to start over with some one new. I mean I am excited about new opportunities, and all, but I don't know why I feel so weird about it. I will go because it will be fun, and new, maybe a little awkward, but fun. I just really, REALLY, almost just want to focus on my self right now.

Does that make me sound super selfish? hahah I almost don't even know how to flirt any more. ugh. It makes me so-o nervous. Which is sad, because I mean, I am only 19, this is what I SHOULD be doing at 19. The guy is older, he is 24, so I mean that is probably what I will be looking for but just not right now, or any time, soon... I will keep you up dated.

Any ways, I think the hardest part about this whole thing is that I dream about him every night, okay maybe not dream about him, but he is always in my dream. Some way or another. A couple nights ago I had a dream that I was at the grocery store and he was the cashier... weird I know.. but I mean in my dream I didn't think anything of it. Then I woke up and was like.. of course! It sucks when I actually have dreams about him, then I wake up and he isn't there. I think that will be the hardest part about this whole thing. I can control my brain for the most part during the day and not think about him, but when I am sleeping there is nothing I can do.

Just kidding, that is a lie. I do catch my self thinking about him, something will just remind me of him, then my brain will wonder. I am getting better at it. 

I look at our situation as a never situation.
We never would have worked out. I never would have left him. I never would have been okay with certain things. And he never would have changed. We never would have been fully happy, and we never would have fully agreed.

I just really think this is for the better! (being optimistic) He will be able to find exactly what he wants in life, and I will be able to do the same. I think if nothing else I have kinda learned what qualities in a person are really important to me.  I just think I wanted it to work so bad, that I over looked the real major stuff that was happening in our relationship. We are both just really at different stages in our lifes. I just think I would have tried and tried and tried, and been more and more unhappy. So in the beginning, I was really struggling. Just because I felt like I wasn't enough, that I wasn't worth it, and that I wasn't doing enough. Now that I have a different perspective, and can look at it after it has some what settled, I just really wish the best for him. I will always care for him as a person, and want his life to turn out how he wants it to be.

This is me being optimistic, I have my highs and my lows, but I really have a good feeling I will be okay. I just think I love him so much that I focus a lot on how happy we both will be apart, and that kinda makes it easier? I don't know I am kinda brainstorming aloud. Looking at life, and that it will be great.

I hope I didn't make any one cry this time. ; )

<3 Kourt

Out with the Old, In with the New

My name is Kourtnie, I am 19 years old. I am documenting my new journey on my own. I am currently going through a divorce, after almost a four year relationship.  I honestly am gonna say it is the most pain I have ever gone through, and I wouldn't wish this sort of thing on any one. I honestly could say at one point, I thought we were gonna be together forever, and that he was the one for me. 

As much as this is going to humiliate me, and maybe risking the future of my dating life. I just want to try this. I don't know what will ever come of it, but maybe it will help me heal. Or maybe it will help some one else to know that they aren't the only ones who have ever gone through something like this. Because I feel alone. Completely alone. I don't know, but I might as well try.

Our relationship has never been perfect. We were on again-off again all through out high school, and then the year afterward we were pretty steady. He proposed in May 2010 on Huntington Beach, CA. We got married a few months later on August 20, 2010. He was my first kiss in 10th grade, and once we got married I thought he would be my last.

***For the sake of this being my online public journal, I would like to explain one thing. I am not innocent in our relationship. I am not a victim, and I had just as much part of the relationship not working as he did. It was honestly just not meant to be. We were not compatible.***

A couple months after we got married, we moved back to our home town, where both of our family and friends were at.  Things just had problems, we were just not happy for a long time, and I think we both may have lost love for each other over time. I just knew how much I loved him, and how much I really just wanted it to work. But as much as I tried to make it work, you can never make something work that was just never meant to be.

Things that I feel I did wrong in the relationship. 
1. I pressured him to be some one he didn't want to be.
2. I couldn't accept him as he was. (An important part of marriage I have come to learn)
3. I had a hard time compromising with certain things... couldn't just let things go.
4. When we would argue I would have such a hard time admitting I am wrong.
5. I would pout until I got a "real" apology, and even then I would hold a grudge.
6. I would listen to other people's opinion's, more then I would listen to my self.
7. I was too insecure. In our relationship, and with my self. 
8. I would focus too much on less important things.
     Example: I would care to much about what people thought. I would get mad if something little was out of place. I would get mad if he made a little comment I didn't like. Etc.
9. I focused to much on the love part of the relationship and not enough on the like part of the relationship.
10. I NEVER fully trusted him.

Things I feel I did right in the relationship.
1. I honestly loved him more then anything, any one person before in my life.
2. I tried to focus on how he was feeling, and what I could do for him.
3. Tried to make the little things count.
      Example: Leave notes in his wallet. Kiss him goodbye every time I left. Make him dinner. Buy him his favorite treat/drink/food at the store. Etc.
4.Told him I loved him every chance I got, even when it wasn't convenient.
5. I tried to be goofy and silly.
6. TRIED, to like the things he did. (wasn't my biggest strength) : ]
7. Made a commitment to "be intimate" at least a couple times a week. (I know it is TMI, but you all know it is important!!!)
8. I tried to go out of my comfort zone, I honestly did!
9. I would kiss him every time I left to work before him, even when he was still sleeping.
10. I honestly tried to be the best wife I could be to him. I really did.

One thing I have come to realize, as much as you want to blame your self for the entire thing, thinking you never did enough, or you could have done this differently, things will never be different. I know that I tried damn hard at my marriage, and it takes a lot of Patience and a lot of courage to give your self to another person fully.

It has been just over a week, since we decided we were getting a divorce. I am not going to say I am okay, because I am not. I am not going to say things are great, because they definitely are not. I am not going to say I regret marrying him, because I don't. And I am not going to say I don't love him, because I do.

He is such an amazing person, and he deserves the world. He is the one person who could make me so seriously pissed, then make me laugh hysterically 2 seconds later. He is the type of person who gets along with every one. I would look forward to spending time with him, even after just being apart for a couple hours. He honestly is my best friend.. I could have so much fun with him, just hanging out. He smiles, and it just melts my heart...

I love him, I honestly do. I probably always will have love for him. We have been through so much together I don't know how it would be possible for any person, ever, to be able to get rid those kind of feelings completely.

I don't really know exactly where my life is going to take me, but what I do know is that I am going to live my life to the fullest. I will travel across the world, I will see things I never thought I could, and I will be who I want to be.  I know things I want to do, I know things that I want to accomplish, and I know things that I want from my life. Sooner or later I will figure out who I am again, as a person, not as a couple. I think that is something I need more then anything.

So for right now, I am enjoying the company of my friends, and family. I am currently planning a trip to Cancun for my 20th birthday. And I plan on working and going to school for about the next year, then I will decide what I need to do further. But as for right now, I am ok. : ]

Until next time.

<3 Kourt