My last post for this blog.

Ok. So this is really going to humiliate me. But I really think it needs to be done. This is going to be my last post for this blog. And you will see why...

The very first time Brock and I kissed, it didn't mean anything. I walked away with no feelings what so ever. I specifically remember thinking absolutely nothing of it, other then the fact that I didn't want my friends to find out. : ) High school was so easy. That was my main worry. I didn't want my friends to find out about some random guy I kissed. Some of my friends were having sex by the time I even had my first kiss. Certain things were just stupid.

High school was just simple. We didn't have to worry about tomorrow. Or what bills we had to pay. We didn't have to work if we didn't want to, and our parents took care of us. So how could you not fall in love? No worries, no previous heart ache to make you put your guards up, and no reason to doubt. When I fell in love I really fell. I wasn't worried about my heart being broken, I didn't think he ever could/would. There was just something about his arms around me, and him kissing my shoulder that I never thought any of this was possible. I felt safe, I felt secure, and I felt protected. Little did I know that 4 years later that person who I felt so protected by, would be the reason why I hurt the most.

I have a lot of regrets. I have made a lot of mistakes. I have done a lot of stupid crap, that I look back at and don't even understand. This whole situation is just not easy for me. I wish it was. I don't understand how it can be easy. I have lied to my self over and over again, saying I don't care about him. And that I could not care less what ever happened to him. I think for a while there I really believed it. But there have been a couple things happen that have made me really come to the realization. That I am not over him. And it still hurts. I just want to acknowledge it now, so I don't keep pushing it away, and it builds up. And this crap happens. I don't like feeling this way. It sucks. I wouldn't ever wish this on some one else. Even if I hated them. As much as I hate this feeling, I must say I wouldn't want to go back to walking away with no feeling. It hurts, but I don't regret it.

This feeling is not good for me, or the baby right now so I am getting it out. This is the last time I will even mention mine and Brock's relationship. Because I am done thinking about him. I don't want to think about it at all any more. As much as it hurts, and as much as I know I need to move on it is hard. I am pregnant with his kid. So I am making a really big effort towards getting over it.

When you are having some one's kid you can't help but wish things were different. Some days I can't help but just wake up and cry. But then I put a smile on my face, stop letting my self justify me feeling this way, and I fake it. I go through my day getting little reminders of him, and our relationship, good and bad. Some times I will talk about it. And some times I won't. A couple weeks ago, I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of him. Every time it came on the radio he would belt it, and I would laugh. My mom looked at me and said what? I didn't know what she was talking about. She said why are you smiling that way? It is little things like that, that make me realize that I still love him. And I really, really wish I didn't.

It is hard having mutual friends, I hear things about him that I really don't like to hear. I see things that I don't want to see. And it makes me feel things I don't want to feel. As much as it sucks, it has been a lot easier on him to move on. I don't know why. I wish it was as easy for me, but for some reason I do not understand, it isn't. It is hard to hear or see things, but I am gonna have to get used to it. He deserves to be happy. And I love him enough to let him. I do not want to be the crazy ex-wife. I want to get along with him. Because he will be a good dad, and I am going to have to be around him. I can not be friends with him though. It just hurts to much. When you love some one they aren't just your partner, they are your best friend. I can not be friends with him, because it makes me miss the other part of it too.

I can't explain how I feel really. It is hard. I know me and Brock don't work together. But it doesn't make things any easier. I was getting over then hurt from the divorce then my crazy emotions stepped in and make life hell. Brock and I were together for one purpose. And I am finally starting to realize it. Although that doesn't make things any easier either.

This post is something to kinda explain what I am about to do. I am really trying to make an effort for my sanity, and for when the baby is here, to get over him. So... I am cutting certain things out of my life. Things that make it too hard. So I am sorry if I stop talking to certain people, or things are different. But this is what I have to do. It isn't anything personal. I just can not feel like this any more. It doesn't mean that I do not love and cherish you, I just can't. So I am sorry.

This is what hell must be like.

This one is gonna be depressing. So my apologies in advance.

So... I found out a few days ago that my little pepper is a little girl. : )

I am beyond happy that she is a little girl. But seeing her that way, made it so much more real for me.

I am going to be a single mom. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it. It breaks my heart for her. I already feel like I have let her down, disappointed her. This is something I can't fix. This is gonna hurt her, and it is something I will not be able to protect her from.

Obviously this was supposed to happen, but I just don't get it. I haven't figured out the reason. There is not a word that can describe how difficult this is for me. I am pregnant with my ex-husbands kid. And it hurts, every day. I wish I could move on, I wish I could forget, and I wish it would be easy. My life will never be easy, I will never be able to forget, and it is going to be a lot harder for me to move on. I wouldn't wish this feeling on any one. The feeling of inadequacy. The feeling of desperation. The feeling of complete loneliness.

I just don't want to let her down, but it is already that way before it even begins. I am go to give her a life she deserves, but I am going to have to fight like hell. There are so many odds against me. I know what I need to be, I know what I need to do to get there. But everything just seems so impossible. I don't know how I am going to do everything I need to. I am just discouraged. Life is so unfair, so unbelievably hard, that sometimes I don't think this is all even worth fighting for.

Maybe I should just save my self some embarrassment and disappointment and accept things the way they are. Maybe I would save my self some misery. Maybe I would stop hoping for the best, and wouldn't continually be let down. Maybe I could let go of this faith I have, and everything would just be.

I can't, because however much I hurt, however much I just want to give up. I can not be thinking about myself any more. Everything that I need to do, that I need to accomplish, is so she will have the life she deserves. So I am done hoping for the best, and going to make my life happen. On my own. For her.