This too, shall pass

So.... I really am starting to think that life freaking sucks and this is gonna be a never ending pain.
I don't just mean an emotional pain, I mean a physical, gut wrenching, head pounding pain.
I feel inadequate, I feel abandoned and I feel betrayed.

I really hate that I get critisized.
I really hate that I get looked down on.
I really hate that this is something that will follow me around forever.
and I really hate that I feel worthless.

Little does every one know from the out side looking in, that I gave it everything I freaking had. I fought hard. Yeah you can call me a controlling bitch, yeah you can say I am freaking selfish, you could even also say that I am an emotional wreck. And you would be right, but you don't know the half of it.

No one ever looks at what you could have possibly done right. They look at what they want to see. They look at the negative. I am sorry I wanted a husband. That is all I wanted. Though my definition might vary from what yours is, so I will explain it to you...

I want a husband who wants to spend every night with me. I want a husband who likes to tickle my back. I want a husband who kisses me goodnight because he wants to, not because he has to. I want a husband who will not buy me flowers on valentines day. I want a husband who wants to take care of me. I want a husband who understands what a marriage is. I want a husband who thinks of marriage as a beautiful commitment, and not just as a title. And I want a husband who wants to be a husband.

I feel like when you get married, you give up your life as you know it. Not because you have to, because you made the choice to give your self, along with all your imperfections, to another human being. Your spouse is your number one priority. You give up your life so the two of you can build a life together. And I don't feel like I even had that opportunity. Which really sucks, because I was very ready to be a wife.

Yeah I am a control freak, I wanted to have a marriage, I was done with the party stage of my life.
Yeah I am selfish, because I work my ass off, and I never felt it was enough.
And yeah I am an emotional wreck because I love some one so much, it makes me sick, that doesn't love me the same way.

Obviously, things were not where they were supposed to be. Him and I were not on the same page with a lot things. The only time when I felt anything ever got resolved is when we would have a huge blowout fight. I don't mean like a argument. Like a full on screaming, yelling, screw you type of fight. Again, obviously things were not where they were supposed to be.

Believe it or not, our relationship wasn't always horrible. Though it was never perfect, it wasn't always horrible. He really is a good guy, and he really can do such amazing things, we just do not, I repeat do not, belong together..... Which is really hard for me to admit.

I got asked the question the other day, "Why do you love him?"
And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I do, but I have trouble thinking of reasons why.
He is my best friend, he has been for years.  He knows me, and I know him. I love him because he just knows exactly what to say, how to say it, at the perfect time. I don't know I just love him."

And this point I got asked, "Are you in love with him?"
To this I didn't have an answer.
I honestly, truthfully did. I know I did. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't. But I don't know if now, or in the past months if I really have been in love with him. I don't know if I was holding on to what it was, or what I thought it could be. But I know it wasn't right the way it had been.

Right now I am having more bad days then good. But the good moments do slip in there. I am really good at putting on a front... I've been through a lot of crap in my life, and I always seem to get through it. So I just gotta remember........   This too, shall pass.

<3 Kourt