My last post for this blog.

Ok. So this is really going to humiliate me. But I really think it needs to be done. This is going to be my last post for this blog. And you will see why...

The very first time Brock and I kissed, it didn't mean anything. I walked away with no feelings what so ever. I specifically remember thinking absolutely nothing of it, other then the fact that I didn't want my friends to find out. : ) High school was so easy. That was my main worry. I didn't want my friends to find out about some random guy I kissed. Some of my friends were having sex by the time I even had my first kiss. Certain things were just stupid.

High school was just simple. We didn't have to worry about tomorrow. Or what bills we had to pay. We didn't have to work if we didn't want to, and our parents took care of us. So how could you not fall in love? No worries, no previous heart ache to make you put your guards up, and no reason to doubt. When I fell in love I really fell. I wasn't worried about my heart being broken, I didn't think he ever could/would. There was just something about his arms around me, and him kissing my shoulder that I never thought any of this was possible. I felt safe, I felt secure, and I felt protected. Little did I know that 4 years later that person who I felt so protected by, would be the reason why I hurt the most.

I have a lot of regrets. I have made a lot of mistakes. I have done a lot of stupid crap, that I look back at and don't even understand. This whole situation is just not easy for me. I wish it was. I don't understand how it can be easy. I have lied to my self over and over again, saying I don't care about him. And that I could not care less what ever happened to him. I think for a while there I really believed it. But there have been a couple things happen that have made me really come to the realization. That I am not over him. And it still hurts. I just want to acknowledge it now, so I don't keep pushing it away, and it builds up. And this crap happens. I don't like feeling this way. It sucks. I wouldn't ever wish this on some one else. Even if I hated them. As much as I hate this feeling, I must say I wouldn't want to go back to walking away with no feeling. It hurts, but I don't regret it.

This feeling is not good for me, or the baby right now so I am getting it out. This is the last time I will even mention mine and Brock's relationship. Because I am done thinking about him. I don't want to think about it at all any more. As much as it hurts, and as much as I know I need to move on it is hard. I am pregnant with his kid. So I am making a really big effort towards getting over it.

When you are having some one's kid you can't help but wish things were different. Some days I can't help but just wake up and cry. But then I put a smile on my face, stop letting my self justify me feeling this way, and I fake it. I go through my day getting little reminders of him, and our relationship, good and bad. Some times I will talk about it. And some times I won't. A couple weeks ago, I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of him. Every time it came on the radio he would belt it, and I would laugh. My mom looked at me and said what? I didn't know what she was talking about. She said why are you smiling that way? It is little things like that, that make me realize that I still love him. And I really, really wish I didn't.

It is hard having mutual friends, I hear things about him that I really don't like to hear. I see things that I don't want to see. And it makes me feel things I don't want to feel. As much as it sucks, it has been a lot easier on him to move on. I don't know why. I wish it was as easy for me, but for some reason I do not understand, it isn't. It is hard to hear or see things, but I am gonna have to get used to it. He deserves to be happy. And I love him enough to let him. I do not want to be the crazy ex-wife. I want to get along with him. Because he will be a good dad, and I am going to have to be around him. I can not be friends with him though. It just hurts to much. When you love some one they aren't just your partner, they are your best friend. I can not be friends with him, because it makes me miss the other part of it too.

I can't explain how I feel really. It is hard. I know me and Brock don't work together. But it doesn't make things any easier. I was getting over then hurt from the divorce then my crazy emotions stepped in and make life hell. Brock and I were together for one purpose. And I am finally starting to realize it. Although that doesn't make things any easier either.

This post is something to kinda explain what I am about to do. I am really trying to make an effort for my sanity, and for when the baby is here, to get over him. So... I am cutting certain things out of my life. Things that make it too hard. So I am sorry if I stop talking to certain people, or things are different. But this is what I have to do. It isn't anything personal. I just can not feel like this any more. It doesn't mean that I do not love and cherish you, I just can't. So I am sorry.

This is what hell must be like.

This one is gonna be depressing. So my apologies in advance.

So... I found out a few days ago that my little pepper is a little girl. : )

I am beyond happy that she is a little girl. But seeing her that way, made it so much more real for me.

I am going to be a single mom. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it. It breaks my heart for her. I already feel like I have let her down, disappointed her. This is something I can't fix. This is gonna hurt her, and it is something I will not be able to protect her from.

Obviously this was supposed to happen, but I just don't get it. I haven't figured out the reason. There is not a word that can describe how difficult this is for me. I am pregnant with my ex-husbands kid. And it hurts, every day. I wish I could move on, I wish I could forget, and I wish it would be easy. My life will never be easy, I will never be able to forget, and it is going to be a lot harder for me to move on. I wouldn't wish this feeling on any one. The feeling of inadequacy. The feeling of desperation. The feeling of complete loneliness.

I just don't want to let her down, but it is already that way before it even begins. I am go to give her a life she deserves, but I am going to have to fight like hell. There are so many odds against me. I know what I need to be, I know what I need to do to get there. But everything just seems so impossible. I don't know how I am going to do everything I need to. I am just discouraged. Life is so unfair, so unbelievably hard, that sometimes I don't think this is all even worth fighting for.

Maybe I should just save my self some embarrassment and disappointment and accept things the way they are. Maybe I would save my self some misery. Maybe I would stop hoping for the best, and wouldn't continually be let down. Maybe I could let go of this faith I have, and everything would just be.

I can't, because however much I hurt, however much I just want to give up. I can not be thinking about myself any more. Everything that I need to do, that I need to accomplish, is so she will have the life she deserves. So I am done hoping for the best, and going to make my life happen. On my own. For her.

Yep... I am pregnant!

As if my life couldn't get more dramatic... right? Well first and for most I would like to say that this baby is going to be a HUGE blessing in my life. I am not enjoying being pregnant, and no I haven't been excited. You may think I am a horrible person, but that is the truth. I was sick for about 8 weeks. And it wasn't just morning sickness. I would be sick until about 3 or 4 in the after noon. Even then I felt like crap.

After I found out I was pregnant, my heart just broke. Not because I thought this baby was going to ruin my life, but because when you think about starting a family, you want to share it with some one, you want your baby to be apart of a family.  It is hard to see your body change, and be so sick. And when your just got a divorce, feeling disgusting and watching your body get huge isn't an ideal situation.

For every one out there who is judgmental, and noisy. Yes, it is Brock's kid. How do I know? Hmm.. well #1 I got pregnant in February. We didn't break up until March. And #2 contrary to believe, I have never slept with any one other then him. So there you have it. It is his.

No one understand what I am going through. I hate when people say they do. You have not been pregnant with your ex husbands kid. You haven't been pregnant, when some one told you, you weren't worth fighting for. And you weren't pregnant when you thought your world was completely over. You were not pregnant when you had to hear, from him, he was with another girl. And you were not pregnant when you had loved some one with your whole heart and it wasn't good enough. So do not tell me you know what I am going through. Because you don't.

Some people have been saying things.. I am just sick of fake people. Don't pretend you are my friend. Your not, and we both know it. I understand then when a relationship ends so do some friendships. I was there through some pretty tough crap in your life, but say what you need to say.  You can say it isn't his.. that is FINE.  And you know what, I wish it wasn't. I wish I could say I slept with some random person, I wish it could be as easy as that. I wouldn't have to share, I wouldn't have to see him with some one else for the rest of my life. I wouldn't have to worry about my kid being gone every other weekend, and splitting holidays. But it isn't. It is with him.  So I am going to have to. The first person I truely, deeply was in love with. And this is someone I will always have to share with him. As much as I wish I could disconnect my self from him completely. I can't. Ever.

No, I am not still in love with him. No, I do not still love him. And no, I do not hate him. Brock and I went through hell with each other. And this baby must be the reason why. No one ever understood why we would break up and get back together time and time again! Hell, I didn't even understand it. But apparently this baby is the reason why. Both him and I will be great parents. Even though we are not together. One of the main things that made me fall in love with him in the first place, was watching him with his neice. Ever since that day I have said he will be the best dad. And just because we aren't together, it doesn't change that.

My main worry isn't that I won't be able to do it on my own. I will be. I will do anything and everything to give my baby the world. I am going to work my butt off so I can provide, love, and give my baby everything he/she deserves. I have plenty of support from my family. I just got a job position that I will be able to work from home, and I am going to start night classes in January for school. My main worry is that father's are really important in kids lives.  As much as I hate to admit it. They are. So... I am going to be a good mom, and work through issues. Regardless of how difficult it may be. No more fighting. :) I will try my best little pepper!  Promise!

Some thing I enjoyed reading :)

Handbook for Life… 2010

Cross Posted (& Edited) from Linda’s Yoga Journey

HEALTH:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is
manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to meditate.
6. (Breathe)

7. Read more books than you did in 2009.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

PERSONALITY:

11. Comparing our lives to others is fruitless. We have no idea what their journey is about.

12. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones especially about things out of our control. Invest energy in the positive present moment.
13. Try not to over do. Understand limits.
14. Why take ourselves so seriously. No one else does.
15. Gossip drains precious energy.
16. Dream more while we are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. We already have all we need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Let go of our partners mistakes of the past. Focus on our present/future happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

20. Make peace with our past so it won’t spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of our happiness except us.
22. Realize that life is a school and we are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons we learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. We don’t have to win arguments. It’s ok to agree to disagree.

SOCIETY:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is insignificant compared to what you think of yourself.
31. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends & family will. Stay in touch.
LIFE:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. (Higher powers) heal everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how we feel, get up, dress up, and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When we awake alive in the morning, be thankful.
39. Our Inner most is always happy. Release your “Inner Happy” on the world every day!

This too, shall pass

So.... I really am starting to think that life freaking sucks and this is gonna be a never ending pain.
I don't just mean an emotional pain, I mean a physical, gut wrenching, head pounding pain.
I feel inadequate, I feel abandoned and I feel betrayed.

I really hate that I get critisized.
I really hate that I get looked down on.
I really hate that this is something that will follow me around forever.
and I really hate that I feel worthless.

Little does every one know from the out side looking in, that I gave it everything I freaking had. I fought hard. Yeah you can call me a controlling bitch, yeah you can say I am freaking selfish, you could even also say that I am an emotional wreck. And you would be right, but you don't know the half of it.

No one ever looks at what you could have possibly done right. They look at what they want to see. They look at the negative. I am sorry I wanted a husband. That is all I wanted. Though my definition might vary from what yours is, so I will explain it to you...

I want a husband who wants to spend every night with me. I want a husband who likes to tickle my back. I want a husband who kisses me goodnight because he wants to, not because he has to. I want a husband who will not buy me flowers on valentines day. I want a husband who wants to take care of me. I want a husband who understands what a marriage is. I want a husband who thinks of marriage as a beautiful commitment, and not just as a title. And I want a husband who wants to be a husband.

I feel like when you get married, you give up your life as you know it. Not because you have to, because you made the choice to give your self, along with all your imperfections, to another human being. Your spouse is your number one priority. You give up your life so the two of you can build a life together. And I don't feel like I even had that opportunity. Which really sucks, because I was very ready to be a wife.

Yeah I am a control freak, I wanted to have a marriage, I was done with the party stage of my life.
Yeah I am selfish, because I work my ass off, and I never felt it was enough.
And yeah I am an emotional wreck because I love some one so much, it makes me sick, that doesn't love me the same way.

Obviously, things were not where they were supposed to be. Him and I were not on the same page with a lot things. The only time when I felt anything ever got resolved is when we would have a huge blowout fight. I don't mean like a argument. Like a full on screaming, yelling, screw you type of fight. Again, obviously things were not where they were supposed to be.

Believe it or not, our relationship wasn't always horrible. Though it was never perfect, it wasn't always horrible. He really is a good guy, and he really can do such amazing things, we just do not, I repeat do not, belong together..... Which is really hard for me to admit.

I got asked the question the other day, "Why do you love him?"
And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I do, but I have trouble thinking of reasons why.
He is my best friend, he has been for years.  He knows me, and I know him. I love him because he just knows exactly what to say, how to say it, at the perfect time. I don't know I just love him."

And this point I got asked, "Are you in love with him?"
To this I didn't have an answer.
I honestly, truthfully did. I know I did. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't. But I don't know if now, or in the past months if I really have been in love with him. I don't know if I was holding on to what it was, or what I thought it could be. But I know it wasn't right the way it had been.

Right now I am having more bad days then good. But the good moments do slip in there. I am really good at putting on a front... I've been through a lot of crap in my life, and I always seem to get through it. So I just gotta remember........   This too, shall pass.

<3 Kourt

: ) apparently I need to be a little less depressing!!

Okay, so it has been a couple days since my last post. I decided I am going to be a little less depressing, and a little more optimistic. : )

So here is what is going on in my life.
-Still planning the trip to Cancun. Fingers crossed that everything comes through.
-Working, and I really get so burnt out.. I have three more days this week, then I get a day break!
-And here's the kicker.... I got asked out.

HA!! makes me giggle. Is it weird that I almost feel like it is cheating if I accept? : /
It isn't that I am not interested in the guy, or that it is that I don't want anything to do with him. I just feel like after being with one person for so long, it is kinda awkward to start over with some one new. I mean I am excited about new opportunities, and all, but I don't know why I feel so weird about it. I will go because it will be fun, and new, maybe a little awkward, but fun. I just really, REALLY, almost just want to focus on my self right now.

Does that make me sound super selfish? hahah I almost don't even know how to flirt any more. ugh. It makes me so-o nervous. Which is sad, because I mean, I am only 19, this is what I SHOULD be doing at 19. The guy is older, he is 24, so I mean that is probably what I will be looking for but just not right now, or any time, soon... I will keep you up dated.

Any ways, I think the hardest part about this whole thing is that I dream about him every night, okay maybe not dream about him, but he is always in my dream. Some way or another. A couple nights ago I had a dream that I was at the grocery store and he was the cashier... weird I know.. but I mean in my dream I didn't think anything of it. Then I woke up and was like.. of course! It sucks when I actually have dreams about him, then I wake up and he isn't there. I think that will be the hardest part about this whole thing. I can control my brain for the most part during the day and not think about him, but when I am sleeping there is nothing I can do.

Just kidding, that is a lie. I do catch my self thinking about him, something will just remind me of him, then my brain will wonder. I am getting better at it. 

I look at our situation as a never situation.
We never would have worked out. I never would have left him. I never would have been okay with certain things. And he never would have changed. We never would have been fully happy, and we never would have fully agreed.

I just really think this is for the better! (being optimistic) He will be able to find exactly what he wants in life, and I will be able to do the same. I think if nothing else I have kinda learned what qualities in a person are really important to me.  I just think I wanted it to work so bad, that I over looked the real major stuff that was happening in our relationship. We are both just really at different stages in our lifes. I just think I would have tried and tried and tried, and been more and more unhappy. So in the beginning, I was really struggling. Just because I felt like I wasn't enough, that I wasn't worth it, and that I wasn't doing enough. Now that I have a different perspective, and can look at it after it has some what settled, I just really wish the best for him. I will always care for him as a person, and want his life to turn out how he wants it to be.

This is me being optimistic, I have my highs and my lows, but I really have a good feeling I will be okay. I just think I love him so much that I focus a lot on how happy we both will be apart, and that kinda makes it easier? I don't know I am kinda brainstorming aloud. Looking at life, and that it will be great.

I hope I didn't make any one cry this time. ; )

<3 Kourt

Out with the Old, In with the New

My name is Kourtnie, I am 19 years old. I am documenting my new journey on my own. I am currently going through a divorce, after almost a four year relationship.  I honestly am gonna say it is the most pain I have ever gone through, and I wouldn't wish this sort of thing on any one. I honestly could say at one point, I thought we were gonna be together forever, and that he was the one for me. 

As much as this is going to humiliate me, and maybe risking the future of my dating life. I just want to try this. I don't know what will ever come of it, but maybe it will help me heal. Or maybe it will help some one else to know that they aren't the only ones who have ever gone through something like this. Because I feel alone. Completely alone. I don't know, but I might as well try.

Our relationship has never been perfect. We were on again-off again all through out high school, and then the year afterward we were pretty steady. He proposed in May 2010 on Huntington Beach, CA. We got married a few months later on August 20, 2010. He was my first kiss in 10th grade, and once we got married I thought he would be my last.

***For the sake of this being my online public journal, I would like to explain one thing. I am not innocent in our relationship. I am not a victim, and I had just as much part of the relationship not working as he did. It was honestly just not meant to be. We were not compatible.***

A couple months after we got married, we moved back to our home town, where both of our family and friends were at.  Things just had problems, we were just not happy for a long time, and I think we both may have lost love for each other over time. I just knew how much I loved him, and how much I really just wanted it to work. But as much as I tried to make it work, you can never make something work that was just never meant to be.

Things that I feel I did wrong in the relationship. 
1. I pressured him to be some one he didn't want to be.
2. I couldn't accept him as he was. (An important part of marriage I have come to learn)
3. I had a hard time compromising with certain things... couldn't just let things go.
4. When we would argue I would have such a hard time admitting I am wrong.
5. I would pout until I got a "real" apology, and even then I would hold a grudge.
6. I would listen to other people's opinion's, more then I would listen to my self.
7. I was too insecure. In our relationship, and with my self. 
8. I would focus too much on less important things.
     Example: I would care to much about what people thought. I would get mad if something little was out of place. I would get mad if he made a little comment I didn't like. Etc.
9. I focused to much on the love part of the relationship and not enough on the like part of the relationship.
10. I NEVER fully trusted him.

Things I feel I did right in the relationship.
1. I honestly loved him more then anything, any one person before in my life.
2. I tried to focus on how he was feeling, and what I could do for him.
3. Tried to make the little things count.
      Example: Leave notes in his wallet. Kiss him goodbye every time I left. Make him dinner. Buy him his favorite treat/drink/food at the store. Etc.
4.Told him I loved him every chance I got, even when it wasn't convenient.
5. I tried to be goofy and silly.
6. TRIED, to like the things he did. (wasn't my biggest strength) : ]
7. Made a commitment to "be intimate" at least a couple times a week. (I know it is TMI, but you all know it is important!!!)
8. I tried to go out of my comfort zone, I honestly did!
9. I would kiss him every time I left to work before him, even when he was still sleeping.
10. I honestly tried to be the best wife I could be to him. I really did.

One thing I have come to realize, as much as you want to blame your self for the entire thing, thinking you never did enough, or you could have done this differently, things will never be different. I know that I tried damn hard at my marriage, and it takes a lot of Patience and a lot of courage to give your self to another person fully.

It has been just over a week, since we decided we were getting a divorce. I am not going to say I am okay, because I am not. I am not going to say things are great, because they definitely are not. I am not going to say I regret marrying him, because I don't. And I am not going to say I don't love him, because I do.

He is such an amazing person, and he deserves the world. He is the one person who could make me so seriously pissed, then make me laugh hysterically 2 seconds later. He is the type of person who gets along with every one. I would look forward to spending time with him, even after just being apart for a couple hours. He honestly is my best friend.. I could have so much fun with him, just hanging out. He smiles, and it just melts my heart...

I love him, I honestly do. I probably always will have love for him. We have been through so much together I don't know how it would be possible for any person, ever, to be able to get rid those kind of feelings completely.

I don't really know exactly where my life is going to take me, but what I do know is that I am going to live my life to the fullest. I will travel across the world, I will see things I never thought I could, and I will be who I want to be.  I know things I want to do, I know things that I want to accomplish, and I know things that I want from my life. Sooner or later I will figure out who I am again, as a person, not as a couple. I think that is something I need more then anything.

So for right now, I am enjoying the company of my friends, and family. I am currently planning a trip to Cancun for my 20th birthday. And I plan on working and going to school for about the next year, then I will decide what I need to do further. But as for right now, I am ok. : ]

Until next time.

<3 Kourt