This is what hell must be like.

This one is gonna be depressing. So my apologies in advance.

So... I found out a few days ago that my little pepper is a little girl. : )

I am beyond happy that she is a little girl. But seeing her that way, made it so much more real for me.

I am going to be a single mom. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it. It breaks my heart for her. I already feel like I have let her down, disappointed her. This is something I can't fix. This is gonna hurt her, and it is something I will not be able to protect her from.

Obviously this was supposed to happen, but I just don't get it. I haven't figured out the reason. There is not a word that can describe how difficult this is for me. I am pregnant with my ex-husbands kid. And it hurts, every day. I wish I could move on, I wish I could forget, and I wish it would be easy. My life will never be easy, I will never be able to forget, and it is going to be a lot harder for me to move on. I wouldn't wish this feeling on any one. The feeling of inadequacy. The feeling of desperation. The feeling of complete loneliness.

I just don't want to let her down, but it is already that way before it even begins. I am go to give her a life she deserves, but I am going to have to fight like hell. There are so many odds against me. I know what I need to be, I know what I need to do to get there. But everything just seems so impossible. I don't know how I am going to do everything I need to. I am just discouraged. Life is so unfair, so unbelievably hard, that sometimes I don't think this is all even worth fighting for.

Maybe I should just save my self some embarrassment and disappointment and accept things the way they are. Maybe I would save my self some misery. Maybe I would stop hoping for the best, and wouldn't continually be let down. Maybe I could let go of this faith I have, and everything would just be.

I can't, because however much I hurt, however much I just want to give up. I can not be thinking about myself any more. Everything that I need to do, that I need to accomplish, is so she will have the life she deserves. So I am done hoping for the best, and going to make my life happen. On my own. For her.